The Dark I Know Well
by ReturntoZero1
Summary: It didn't matter how long I tried or what I did, he would somehow get into my room. Once inside he would say he only wanted a "kiss goodnight" but it soon turned to five, and then he just wanted to stay over- He was never sweet once we entered my room. WARNINGS: Angst, Abuse, Yaoi, Non-consensual, Dark!, Mental!Gamzee


Title: The Dark I Know Well  
Pairings: GamTav  
Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, Smut(?), Mental!Gamzee, Abuse  
-Dark-  
It was easy to let him inside.

I always loved how sweet he was, especially with his light laughter that sounded strangely akin to a honk. The dark haired boy always made me smile, made me laugh and always melted my heart. It was easy to lose myself with the other teen, and I never hesitated to open the door to my home and invite him inside.

It was only when the after hours settled in that I began to get a little fearful.

Once the sun set over the rolling pastures and the stars rose so did his wicked smile.

It was harder to let him inside my room.

I was never certain of the darkness that glowed from his eyes, his every word dripping with lust and desire. No matter how much I tried to stall and resist him he continued to persue. It didn't matter how long I tried or what I did, he would somehow get into my room. Once inside he would say he only wanted a "kiss goodnight" but it soon turned to five, and then he just wanted to stay over-

He was never sweet once we entered my room.

His movements were forceful and agonizing, he made sure to leave bruises for the next day(Gamzee would always ask what happened but I could never tell him). His touches were both heated and cold; full of lust yet lacked love. He was rough, he liked to purposefully hurt me. He bit me, scratched my skin and made sure I would have more marks with every visit. He beat my physically and emotionally, calling me names and spitting in my face. He wanted me to call him master and god, to think of him as my beloved savior and a blessing. This wasn't the man I fell in love with.

I never screamed though.

As long as I lied there and breathed I would be okay.

I was able to find a place in my mind, a place where nothing could hurt me. He would smile and tell me nice things about the weather and I could smile back, because nothing hurt. He would say he loved me and I would say it back, I would say it to his face at least; maybe not to the same man but at least the same face.

It was hard to face him the next day.

I would try not to cry as I saw his face the next day and he would become concerned, doing everything in his power to dry away the tears and fix my smile. He didn't know that I silently screamed for his love, for his affection, longed to have him hold the same sweetness in the bedroom as he had in the living room. He never knew, but he never failed in getting me to open the door for him.

Even as he pounds me into the bed I can't help but think of Gamzee trying to love me. Such a thought is becoming so impossible, especially when he begins to tell me that I'm WORTHLESS and UGLY that I don't DESERVE TO LIVE and I am such a FILTHY WHORE that he wouldn't even give me the time of day. I can't hear Gamzee say that he loves me and I begin to cry, the tears making the moonlight and the street-lamps so incredibly bright.

I wanted to keep this a secret, hidden well withing the darkness of my room. I loved Gamzee, I never wanted to make him unhappy. I would stay quiet and let him defile me every night for his happiness. I just wished he thought of me as beautiful, thought of me as a lover and was as lovely as he is during the day.

He grows silent.

I get scared of his silence sometimes, I never know what goes on in his mind, what musky clouds that swirl in his violet gems could possibly mean. I wanted to stop my pathetic sobbing-

He looks like he's going to vomit.

He makes a noise like an injured animal, whimpering and letting his tears fall onto my cheeks. He curls forward, trying to cradle me yet pull out at the same time. I sigh and slowly wrap my legs around him, hugging him close and kissing his forehead.

He looks so naked now without his makeup; looks naked without the sweet smile and the dazed dreamy eyes.

He begins to sob and apologize for everything, call me amazing and beautiful, promise that he'll give me the world and all he can, claiming that I will never hurt again. My heart swells with delight along with my erection, he moves in a pleasing manner, and I cling to him as I climax, I am no longer a lifeless doll.

I know for that night I have him; Gamzee loves me.

As the magic fades and the miracles grow cold I realize that I let Gamzee in my heart-that he will be the death of me.

He can get in my room much quicker now because he knows that sweet words can fool my heart.

But I still love Gamzee, I love him more than anything.

He says he hits me out of love, and that I'm so pretty with so many purple marks.

I try not to believe him but once he smiles, I know he's melted my heart.

Sometimes I see him come down even further, show a small sign of love and affection with a kiss to my hair or a gentle caress once I begin to pass out-

I know he loves me.

He loves me.  
He loves me.  
He has to love me.

One day, he'll love me.


End file.
